Issue - v1999_09
A Dog's Dream Meal
An Open Letter To A Major Petfood Company's Research & Development Dept. Dear R&D: In the interest of dogs everywhere, the dog owners on the USENET rec.pets.dogs.misc newsgroup have pooled together our knowledge of our dogs' dietary intake, habits, and preferences in the effort of helping you create a new dog food that will be enticing to even the most finicky of dogs.
An Open Letter To A Major Petfood Company's Dear R&D: In the interest of dogs everywhere, the dog owners on the USENET rec.pets.dogs.misc newsgroup have pooled together our knowledge of our dogs' dietary intake, habits, and preferences in the effort of helping you create a new dog food that will be enticing to even the most finicky of dogs. We feel that we can safely guarantee you a lion's share of the "dogfood for problem eaters" market if you apply our findings in the next reformulation of your line of products. The following is a categorized list of carefully chosen ingredients: Fiber Socks (must be smelly, with holes in them)
Recently-worn underwear
Pillow insides
String
Kleenex®
Paper towels (used, please!)
Shoe laces
Magazines
Newspapers
Playing cards
and an old favorite, homework. Organic (pre-digested) Whole birds
Partially decomposed and unidentifiable formerly living objects
Peanut butter
Grass
Pigeon feathers
Egg shells
Dog hair from hair brush
Bugs -- the crunchier the better. Organic (post-digested) Horse apples
Bunny berries
Goose moop
Barf, especially fresh cat hairballs
Contents of the cat's litterbox -- "sprinkles" a plus! Petroleum-Based Plastic bags
tinsel Not Classified Contents of vacuum cleaner bags
Little sticks
Drywall and spackling compound (Note! Puppies love this)
French fries found between the car seats (Note! Must be minimum 6 months old). We must inform you, however, that we cannot vouch for the nutritional value of the recipe. Your top-notch R&D lab should be able to analyze the different food groups and decide which ones will keep Fido in peak condition. If you find that it's lacking as a well-rounded kibble, perhaps a sideline, marketed as treats, would be more appropriate. To this we offer some cute and catchy names to aid in launching the new product line into the already-crowded world of canine cuisine: *This one doubles as a cologne/toy -- you get to roll around in it before you eat it. Perhaps several of the above items could be bundled together and displayed as a multiple-choice selection along the lines of a Kellogg's® Snack Pak®. We look forward to hearing your thoughts regarding our suggestions. Sincerely, Tony J. Podrasky and the rec.pets.dogs.misc crew
Research & Development Dept.